Twenty questions worth asking before the families commit

Most first meetings cover the same ground: education, job, family, and whether the tea was good. The questions that actually determine whether a marriage works are usually left for later, and later is often after the nikah.

Here is what experienced families ask, and why.

On living arrangements. Where will the couple live in the first year? If it is a joint household, which rooms are theirs? Who manages the kitchen? These are not small matters; more early marital friction comes from household logistics than from anything romantic.

On money. What is the actual monthly income, and is it stable? Are there existing loans or family obligations? Who controls household spending? Will the bride's income, if she works, be hers? A family that will not discuss money plainly before the wedding will not discuss it plainly after.

On work. Will the bride continue working? This needs to be answered by the groom and by his mother, separately, because the answers are not always the same. If the answer is yes, what happens when children arrive?

On children. How soon, and how many, are expectations. Both sides should say what they think rather than what sounds agreeable.

On the extended family. Who else lives in the house, and who visits regularly? What are the expectations around the bride's visits to her own parents? How often, and does she need permission?

On religion. Practice level is stated on every profile, but the detail matters. Prayer at home, dress expectations after marriage, schooling for children, whether the bride is expected to change anything about her current practice.

On health. Any chronic conditions, disabilities or hereditary concerns on either side. Thalassaemia carrier testing is worth doing where there is any cousin marriage in the family history, and it is a standard test that costs very little.

On the previous marriage, if there is one. What ended it, how long ago, what the custody arrangement is, and whether there is ongoing contact.

None of these questions are rude. Asking them early is a sign that a family is serious, not that it is suspicious.